The Pain of Living
by CrimsonShinigami
Summary: Remus Lupin thinks about how he felt during the events that immediately came after the deaths of Lily and James Potter. The timeline's a bit screwy.


The Night I Lost Everything  
  
I'm a werewolf. I don't actually have that much of my own. Most of the things I should've had I lost because of being what I am. I lost my parents because of being a werewolf...I lost my family, I almost lost my education. I've lost chances at friendships because I'm a werewolf. And I've lost respect. But that night that I lost everything...that night I didn't lose anything for that reason. That night, my breeding was the least of my problems. Sure...it was a full moon that night. I'd locked myself in my house so that I wouldn't be able to cause any damage...but I couldn't help either.  
  
I lost everything that night...absolutely everything.  
  
And now I'll tell you what happened the morning after.  
  
I awoke groggy from a long night trying to break the wolfsbane potion's hold on myself. The first thing I noticed was the noise...it was oddly quiet. The birds were still chattering...but they were talking amongst themselves instead of singing to the world. When I went outside I could see them grouped together oddly - blackbirds, sparrows and wood pigeons just speaking to each other on the grass or in branches.  
  
It was then that an owl swept at me. It looked quite tired - like it had been flying to and fro places all night. It hooted at me irritably as it landed on a broken stump in my small garden.  
  
"Have you brought me something about Voldemort's plot to bring down the Potters?" I asked the owl softly as I detached the heavy letter from its leg and offered it an owl treat from my pocket with the other hand. It took it graciously and fluffed its feathers, looking as though it wanted a nap - and would rather that I wouldn't hurry with the reply.  
  
We'd known about the plot ever since Severus had told Dumbledore about it - and we'd spent so much time mixing things around and making sure that Lily and James would be all right. I hoped they'd be okay in the end...there weren't two nicer people in the whole world...and they were so happy with their baby, Harry. I can't imagine ever being that happy myself...I'm going to be a bachelor for the rest of my life. Heh.  
  
The letter...that letter changed my life. It was written in scrawny handwriting...and the person writing it looked almost as though they didn't quite know how to word everything. Bits were repeated - mispelt or else just completely vague. It was barely Sirius' handwriting...  
  
I got there too late...He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had already been and he's killed Lily and James. It was horrible...he used that Avada Kedavra curse on them. This is all my fault. But Harry's fine...and He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named...something's happened to him. He couldn't kill Harry and now he's just...disappeared. I have to go...remember - I was their secret keeper... It wasn't me, remember that Remus. I have to go before they come here for me...they'll want to take me...there. I can't go until I've found out...I need to know if he really did it...  
  
And then the letter sprawled off into nothingness. Sirius had fled at that time. So James and Lily were dead...and it was Sirius' fault. Sirius had been the Potter's Secret Keeper and with him doing that Voldemort couldn't have possibly found them unless Sirius had told Voldemort the secret. I can't believe I trusted him...  
  
Bits of the letter would have confused me and made me think if I hadn't been so unbelievably furious with Sirius. The owl wouldn't be going back...it wouldn't be able to find Sirius - and neither would the Ministry guards. I should tell them that Sirius is an unregistered animagus but I won't. James would never have wanted that.  
  
I went back inside. I had to send an owl to someone. And so I settled down to write my own letter. I copied Sirius' on another piece of paper too to send to Dumbledore with my own.  
  
Dear Dumbledore, is it all true what Sirius says in this letter?  
  
That was it...I couldn't think of anything else I needed to say - or anything important enough to bother Dumbledore with.  
  
I didn't get a reply for several days - I assume that's because Dumbledore got lots of letters like my own. It gave me plenty of time to reread Sirius' letter several times. The joy that Voldemort was finally gone hadn't seemed to dawn on me - and for the whole time I didn't really care. So Voldemort was gone...so what. I would have happily lived under the evil wizard's reign if only it meant that Lily and James and Sirius could have been alive beside me. I only had Peter now, and I'd sent an owl to him but he hadn't replied at all. It must be hard for him to deal with our friends' betrayal too... No - I wasn't happy about Voldemort being gone...I was miserable because I'd lost all my friends in order to achieve it. Why couldn't it have been another couple? No...I shouldn't think like that...  
  
It also struck me how Sirius had said such odd things. "I was their secret keeper" directly followed by "It wasn't me, remember that, Remus." How could Sirius lie to me so blatantly when he had never lied to me ever before? Well I suppose when you haven't lied for twenty-two years the first one's going to be a whopper.  
  
Finally...it was the last bit that confused me the most. "I can't go until I've found out...I need to know if he really did it..." Who was he...was he talking about Harry, or Voldemort, or someone else?  
  
I only managed to frustrate myself more and more as I waited for a reply from the only two people I could send an owl to - Peter still didn't reply - and Dumbledore's reply was this.  
  
Dear Remus. Yes, it's all true. Voldemort, Lily and James are gone - but Harry is still alive. The Ministry think that Sirius betrayed the Potters. I hope you don't believe that, Remus. Never believe that. Sirius keeps his secrets...and you should keep them too. Don't seek Sirius...hope that he can protect himself until the truth is revealed.  
  
I couldn't believe that Sirius was innocent...he had been the Potter's secret keeper after all...no one else - and so he must have revealed the secret to Voldemort, right? As much as I told myself this...I was slowly beginning to disbelieve it even more. This was Sirius...he was the best friend anyone could ever have - he was friendly and helpful and kind and truthful...He was truthful.  
  
Perhaps I was just lonely...I was trying to tell myself that Sirius was innocent because if I didn't I would only have Peter left...Peter who hadn't written to me yet...Peter I hadn't talked to without Sirius or James being there for three years...  
  
I didn't want to be alone but I had been dumped with such loneliness. And then in order to try and forget it...I began to think about Harry. I'd forgotten about him all this time. I wrote to Dumbledore as soon as I convinced myself - I needed to know what had happened to the Potter's son.  
  
Before I got my reply though - I got the newspaper the following day. It was full of lies and I knew it - I finally understood. Sirius was innocent and someone else had betrayed the Potters. And if I could find him - since Sirius now couldn't...I would be able to prove Sirius' innocence and set right the memories of Lily and James.  
  
You see, I read this. 'Sirius Black; the man who gave away the late Potters to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named - was finally caught up with by a close friend of his yesterday; one Peter Pettigrew. The late Peter Pettigrew confronted Black about betraying James and Lily Potter in front of a street full of Muggles. It was apparent that he wanted to find his own revenge and then bring Black to the correct authorities. Black simply laughed and blew the whole street - including twelve Muggles and Peter Pettigrew apart. All that was left of the wizard was a finger. Black was led away by the authorities soon after, still laughing, and is awaiting his trial (which will definitely end up with him going to Azkaban if truth has anything to do with it) under Dementor guard.'  
  
I finally understood. Somehow...it was all a hoax. Sirius was my close friend...he'd have never done anything like that. He was proud of himself...he'd even dared to call Voldemort by his name more than once. No...he wouldn't have bowed to such a master...never...but Peter - Peter would've - and it explained why I hadn't heard from him...it would have been harder for Peter to track Sirius than vice versa and so, although Sirius wrote, Peter couldn't - he didn't have time.  
  
Peter had sacrificed himself...or perhaps just part of himself - to make Sirius guilty...Or...something. I would figure it out...some day I would get Sirius out of Azkaban... Sirius who was betrayed by the same person who betrayed the rest of us...  
  
My world was destroyed and it wasn't because I was a werewolf for once...and it wasn't because of Sirius...and it wasn't even because of Voldemort. It was Peter's...and I couldn't prove it...but I knew it - deep in my heart. Peter never was truly one of the group. The sorting hat must have seen the kind of bravery of self-sacrifice in him to put him in Gryffindor...but he didn't belong there. The heart of a snake. Werewolves don't like snakes...  
  
The following day I got Dumbledore's reply about Harry.  
  
Harry Potter has gone to live with the Dursley's.they'll look after him and he'll grow up away from all this. If Sirius never gets free then you'll have to look after him after he leaves Hogwarts, remember that Remus.  
  
It gave me another wave of hope. Dumbledore thought that I'd be able to help Sirius and that made me feel better - and I had something to look forwards to. Even if I had lost everyone.I'd live.because I had a purpose to fulfil - I'd look after Harry at some point.the boy who would take after his father. He was a Potter.and that's how I could help James and Lily.that was it.  
  
And so that's how things were.and how they helped mould what happened later - the incidents of which I'm sure you're all familiar with. I'm happy now.I can stay that way because once this is over I'll have Sirius again. Once this is all over I won't have to be miserable any more.  
  
I'm a happy werewolf.I don't think there are many people on this world who can say that.  
  
Finite  
  
The author yawns and stretches with a grin. "I can write again.and I've finally got this down on paper. I love Remus.he's gone through so much and also hasn't.he's not like Sirius of course. However.I like to pair him with Snape.and you can see how he can be thankful to Snape for at least that little bit of positivity.for if it wasn't for him they'd have never wormed out Wormtail as the traitor - or Harry wouldn't have lived - or other things.These aren't very good though.look for better bits of my work soon" 


End file.
